Growing Love in Marriage and the Church

In order for a marriage to not only survive but also thrive, love has to grow.  I often share with couples coming for pre-marital counseling that the intensity of desire may wane, but if they do it right, their love will grow through the years.  How is this possible?

I have witnesses such growing love, and I have lived it.  My grandfather was married for 60 years to my grandmother.  The last ten years of her life were pain and agony as she struggled with cancer and ill health.  As the stomach cancer took root, my grandfather made taking care of her his full-time job.  He told me that as he spent so much time with her, he came to see how he had often taken her for granted.  You see, throughout their life they were basic sustenance farmers.  He worked hard outside and she worked hard inside.  They raised a family, raised their food, worked hard, and fell into a habit of life.  Their intense labors kept them from learning about each other.  In the midst of these labors, grandpa had lost his eye for looking at and marveling at the wonderful person to which he was married.

All of this changed when he left his outside pursuits to take care of my grandma.  As they talked, worshipped and prayed together, and re-built a life together he found his love growing.  He confessed his love for her and how often he had taken her for granted.  She confessed the same.  I watched as a mature, deep-seated love grew between this aging couple.  Honestly, I could not understand it as I witnessed it, and I struggle to find words to describe it.

Yet, I want this love in my life!  I have witnessed it so occasionally.  I know it is possible and it is beautiful beyond description.  I have a small taste of it after 20 years of marriage, and I want to nourish it so it grows.  I pray that I do not lose my eye for looking at and marveling at the wonderful person God has given me to be my bride.

Please understand that such an eye does not mean that I will not see and notice my wife's imperfections.  I know my wife's flaws much better than I did 20 years ago.  My grandpa took care of and grew in love while my grandma struggled with the intense "stink" of stomach cancer.  The imperfections become obvious.

Love does not mean blindness.  It recognizes imperfections while moving past them to marveling at the beauty, strength, and splendor of my bride.  Love takes time; and in our fallen world, it takes repentance and faith.  Repentance and confession when I fail to walk in love and faith to nourish relationship.

Where am I going with this?

Jesus says that the Church is His bride.  Yes, He loves you as an individual, but the vast majority of the time in the bible His love is affirmed for "you all" and not just individuals.  Jesus loves the Church!

So why if scripture declares the Church as the radiant bride of Christ do we often see her as an accessory to true faith?  I know there are many reasons, but I think we can easily name a few.

First, in this world the church is a mixed group.  By that I mean that many within the church are redeemed individuals still struggling with sin.  In addition, in a healthy church there will be those who are not yet redeemed struggling with sin.  So, if we look closely we can see hypocrisy, doubt, anger, and every other sin under the sun.  For many of us, this is a complete turn-off.  How could "holy" people do such things!?

Again, I challenge us with the image of marriage.  In our fallen world, sin and death leave their mark.  The church is no exception.  Our biggest problem with the church, like so many of us with marriage, is incorrect expectations.  We want the person and the church that is perfection.  We want our needs met.  We do not want to be hurt.  All these desires are completely natural and good!  The problem is we live in a fallen world.  Our desires reflect the way things were created to be and the way things will be when Jesus sets them aright.  Our experience is often marked by fallenness more than perfection.

So, many people give up on the Church, move from church to church looking for something that meets their desires, or resign themselves to complaining and a life marked by half-hearted engagement with the church.  Does this not match the experience many have with marriage?

Jesus loves the Church.  He gave Himself up for the Church.  If we wish to follow him, we should grow to love what He loves.

Honestly, this takes both faith and discipline.  It takes faith to believe we live in a fallen world where God is at work restoring what was lost.  It takes faith to believe God's word that plainly declares God's love and work through the Church!  In a fallen world, faith also means repentance from our false views and our disillusionment with our church (and our marriage).  It takes faith to pray, "Lord help me to see Your hand at work through and in your Church."

It takes discipline to stay the course.  We have to learn how to marvel at the beauty and strength while looking past the imperfections.  Yes, we repent of those imperfections as we gather communally, but as an individual we must remind ourselves to look for the beauty.  Remember, Jesus is seeing the beauty and strength in the Church.  Let's discipline ourselves to come in faith so we can see it too!  Do not give up.  Work through your doubt and disillusionment by and with faith (This is also good advice for struggling marriages).

The Radiant Bride.  Lord, give us eyes to see our marriage and our church with eyes that look at and marvel at the beauty and strength you have placed before us.  Help change our hearts so we can love as You love.