"Forgive and Forget" Deficiencies

Every author writes in the crucible of the culture.  We are never free from the influence of our culture- reacting as defenders of the old convictions and naysayers of current trends, or just the opposite.  I am no different.  I do not believe forgiveness involves forgetting the past and ignoring the damage of past or present harm.  To do so, even if it were possible, would be tantamount to erasing one's personal history and the work of God in the midst of our journey.  The only way for the "forgive-and-forget mentality" to be practiced is through radical denial, deception, or pretense.

Many raised on the familiar chant, "forgive and forget," may already question this book's viability.  I can only hope the reader will read further before labeling the book as heretical.  The "forgive and forget" approach has included some important truths about forgiveness that should not, like the clean baby, be thrown out with dirty bath water.  From this approach, we must learn the importance of radically putting aside the right to use the past harm to justify present sin.  But we must not pretend that past harm never happened.  I believe the past can be remembered for the well-being of the abuser.  Facing the damage of the past can bring good into the present day relationship with the one who perpetrated significant harm.

Dan Allender, Bold Love, 16.

Life has been a wild ride for the past month or so.  After a nine month struggle with her health, my mother was finally diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  About 10 days ago, I was blessed to go visit her for a week.  I was shocked to see how much weight she had lost.  Yet, her positive attitude and "can-do" nature remains.  Then, I returned home to Easter preparation.  

All of this means, no time to write!  My emotions have also been on edge, so I don't feel like I have had the emotional strength to do much writing.

I am so thankful that while I did not write much, I sure did read many pages.  It is amazing how being away from the noise of my household allowed me the space (and quiet) to enjoy reading.  I hope to share some of the pregnant passages I am still processing.

The first comes from an older book by Dan Allender called Bold Love.  I absolutely loved this book!  Why?  Because I agreed with Allender on his definition of love and what it should look like in practice.  I strongly recommend this book.

I wonder if Allender influenced my thinking directly over 20 years ago?  I ran the sound for all the Christian speakers who came to Gordon-Conwell.  Allender was one of those speakers.  In fact, I remember that he treated me better than most of the "Christian stars" that I met.  I remember enjoying his talks and talking with my wife about them.

I think in our world today we have such a misguided and shallow understanding of love.  Allender agrees.

As I see it, love is active in that it seeks the best for the other.  It actively seeks to bring the gospel to bear in the life of everyone involved in a situation.

I know all too often, I would prefer to call it love when I avoid difficult people or conversations.  I would prefer to call it love when I vent my feelings.  I don't really want to go the extra mile to apply the gospel of truth and grace to difficult people or situations.

I think the "forgive and forget" mentality goes right along with my natural tendencies to avoid healthy and needed conflict.  Somehow I think it would be easier and better if I just moved on.

Yet, when real abuse occurs (not just minor irritation), forgive and forget is not love.  It is avoidance.  As such, it misses the mark of God's call, which means it is sin.

So what does Bold Love do?

I think first, one must be honest with God and talk with Him about what happened.  So often dealing with abuse and hurt is not done from the perspective of a relationship with God.  Only God can heal out hearts and only God can help us really forgive.  We might need the help of other believers at this stage, but we should begin here.

Second, we prayerfully consider how to deal with the abuse and hurt.  When, how, and where to confront/deal with the past abuse is tricky.  It takes discernment and wisdom to know what to do.  This is why I think the first step is so important!

Yet, one thing is true.  Somehow we must not allow the abuser to continue in their sin.  

Wow this is tough!  Particularly if you are in a close relationship with the abusive/hurtful person.  Yet, the reason why we cannot just forgive and forget is because doing so allows for continued abuse.  Allowing someone to continue to harm others is actually encouraging their sin.  This is the opposite of love.

Again, I think we will need godly and good advisors on how to do this.  Do we confront?  Do we remove ourselves from the abuse?  Do we confront, remove ourselves, and then move on?  So many options require wisdom.  

Have I mentioned the importance of the first step of being in relationship with God?  Honestly, without the wisdom of God, I don't know how anyone can really love.

Another post without any answers!  At least I think it is a good question to ponder and process.  What do you think?

Marriage, Growing Love, and the Church

Yesterday my wife and I celebrated our 21st anniversary.  I cannot believe it has been that many!  Time flies when you are having fun.  

Yesterday I was amazed at how clear my memories were from 21 years ago.  I remember our friends, the celebration, the pomp and procession.  Many anniversaries have come and gone without such thoughts.  I am glad the Lord allowed me such memories.  I look forward to the next 21 years!

Today and for the weekend, I wish to share some thoughts regarding marriage, love, and how it relates to the Church, which is called with reason "the bride of Christ."

In order for a marriage to not only survive but also thrive, love has to grow.  I often share with couples coming for pre-marital counseling that the intensity of desire may wane, but if they do it right, their love will grow through the years.  How is this possible?

I have witnesses such growing love, and I have lived it.  My grandfather was married for 60 years to my grandmother.  The last ten years of her life were pain and agony as she struggled with cancer and ill health.  As the stomach cancer took root, my grandfather made taking care of her his full-time job.

He told me that as he spent so much time with her, he came to see how he had often taken her for granted.  You see, throughout their life they were basic sustenance farmers.  He worked hard outside and she worked hard inside.  They raised a family, raised their food, worked hard, and fell into a habit of life.  Their intense labors kept them from learning about each other.  In the midst of these labors, grandpa had lost his eye for looking at and marveling at the wonderful person to which he was married.

All of this changed when he left his outside pursuits to take care of my grandma.  As they talked, worshipped and prayed together, they re-built a love affair.  My Grandpa confessed to me that taking care of my Grandma caused his love for her to grow.  In these last years together, he confessed his love for her and how often he had taken her for granted.  She confessed the same.  I watched as a mature, deep-seated love grew between this aging couple.  Honestly, I could not understand it as I witnessed it, and I struggle to find words to describe it.

Yet, I want this love in my life!  I have witnessed it so occasionally.  I know it is possible and it is beautiful beyond description.  I have a small taste of it after 21 years of marriage, and I want to nourish it so it grows.  I pray that I do not lose my eye for looking at and marveling at the wonderful person God has given me to be my bride.

Please understand that such an eye does not mean that I will not see and notice my wife's imperfections.  I know my wife's flaws much better than I did 20 years ago.  My grandpa took care of and grew in love while my grandma struggled with the intense "stink" of stomach cancer.  The imperfections become obvious.

Love does not mean blindness.  It recognizes imperfections while moving past them to marveling at the beauty, strength, and splendor of my bride.  Love takes time; and in our fallen world, it takes repentance and faith.  Repentance and confession when I fail to walk in love and faith to nourish relationship.

Where am I going with this?

Jesus says that the Church is His bride.  Yes, He loves you as an individual, but the vast majority of the time in the bible His love is affirmed for "you all" and not just individuals.  Jesus loves the Church!

So why if scripture declares the Church as the radiant bride of Christ do we often see her as an accessory to true faith?  I know there are many reasons, but I think we can easily name a few.

First, in this world the church is a mixed group.  By that I mean that many within the church are redeemed individuals still struggling with sin.  In addition, in a healthy church there will be those who are not yet redeemed struggling with sin.  So, if we look closely we can see hypocrisy, doubt, anger, and every other sin under the sun.  For many of us, this is a complete turn-off.  How could "holy" people do such things!?

Again, I challenge us with the image of marriage.  In our fallen world, sin and death leave their mark.  The church is no exception.  Our biggest problem with the church, like so many of us with marriage, is incorrect expectations.  We want the person and the church that is perfection.  We want our needs met.  We do not want to be hurt.  All these desires are completely natural and good!  The problem is we live in a fallen world.  Our desires reflect the way things were created to be and the way things will be when Jesus sets them aright.  Our experience is often marked by fallenness more than perfection.

So, many people give up on the Church, move from church to church looking for something that meets their desires, or resign themselves to complaining and a life marked by half-hearted engagement with the church.  Does this not match the experience many have with marriage?

Jesus loves the Church.  He gave Himself up for the Church.  If we wish to follow him, we should grow to love what He loves.

Honestly, this takes both faith and discipline.  It takes faith to believe we live in a fallen world where God is at work restoring what was lost.  It takes faith to believe God's word that plainly declares God's love and work through the Church!  In a fallen world, faith also means repentance from our false views and our disillusionment with our church (and our marriage).  It takes faith to pray, "Lord help me to see Your hand at work through and in your Church."

It takes discipline to stay the course.  We have to learn how to marvel at the beauty and strength while looking past the imperfections.  Yes, we repent of those imperfections as we gather communally, but as an individual we must remind ourselves to look for the beauty.  Remember, Jesus is seeing the beauty and strength in the Church.  Let's discipline ourselves to come in faith so we can see it too!  Do not give up.  Work through your doubt and disillusionment by and with faith (This is also good advice for struggling marriages).

The Radiant Bride.  Lord, give us eyes to see our marriage and our church with eyes that look at and marvel at the beauty and strength you have placed before us.  Help change our hearts so we can love as You love.

Growing Love in Marriage and the Church

In order for a marriage to not only survive but also thrive, love has to grow.  I often share with couples coming for pre-marital counseling that the intensity of desire may wane, but if they do it right, their love will grow through the years.  How is this possible?

I have witnesses such growing love, and I have lived it.  My grandfather was married for 60 years to my grandmother.  The last ten years of her life were pain and agony as she struggled with cancer and ill health.  As the stomach cancer took root, my grandfather made taking care of her his full-time job.  He told me that as he spent so much time with her, he came to see how he had often taken her for granted.  You see, throughout their life they were basic sustenance farmers.  He worked hard outside and she worked hard inside.  They raised a family, raised their food, worked hard, and fell into a habit of life.  Their intense labors kept them from learning about each other.  In the midst of these labors, grandpa had lost his eye for looking at and marveling at the wonderful person to which he was married.

All of this changed when he left his outside pursuits to take care of my grandma.  As they talked, worshipped and prayed together, and re-built a life together he found his love growing.  He confessed his love for her and how often he had taken her for granted.  She confessed the same.  I watched as a mature, deep-seated love grew between this aging couple.  Honestly, I could not understand it as I witnessed it, and I struggle to find words to describe it.

Yet, I want this love in my life!  I have witnessed it so occasionally.  I know it is possible and it is beautiful beyond description.  I have a small taste of it after 20 years of marriage, and I want to nourish it so it grows.  I pray that I do not lose my eye for looking at and marveling at the wonderful person God has given me to be my bride.

Please understand that such an eye does not mean that I will not see and notice my wife's imperfections.  I know my wife's flaws much better than I did 20 years ago.  My grandpa took care of and grew in love while my grandma struggled with the intense "stink" of stomach cancer.  The imperfections become obvious.

Love does not mean blindness.  It recognizes imperfections while moving past them to marveling at the beauty, strength, and splendor of my bride.  Love takes time; and in our fallen world, it takes repentance and faith.  Repentance and confession when I fail to walk in love and faith to nourish relationship.

Where am I going with this?

Jesus says that the Church is His bride.  Yes, He loves you as an individual, but the vast majority of the time in the bible His love is affirmed for "you all" and not just individuals.  Jesus loves the Church!

So why if scripture declares the Church as the radiant bride of Christ do we often see her as an accessory to true faith?  I know there are many reasons, but I think we can easily name a few.

First, in this world the church is a mixed group.  By that I mean that many within the church are redeemed individuals still struggling with sin.  In addition, in a healthy church there will be those who are not yet redeemed struggling with sin.  So, if we look closely we can see hypocrisy, doubt, anger, and every other sin under the sun.  For many of us, this is a complete turn-off.  How could "holy" people do such things!?

Again, I challenge us with the image of marriage.  In our fallen world, sin and death leave their mark.  The church is no exception.  Our biggest problem with the church, like so many of us with marriage, is incorrect expectations.  We want the person and the church that is perfection.  We want our needs met.  We do not want to be hurt.  All these desires are completely natural and good!  The problem is we live in a fallen world.  Our desires reflect the way things were created to be and the way things will be when Jesus sets them aright.  Our experience is often marked by fallenness more than perfection.

So, many people give up on the Church, move from church to church looking for something that meets their desires, or resign themselves to complaining and a life marked by half-hearted engagement with the church.  Does this not match the experience many have with marriage?

Jesus loves the Church.  He gave Himself up for the Church.  If we wish to follow him, we should grow to love what He loves.

Honestly, this takes both faith and discipline.  It takes faith to believe we live in a fallen world where God is at work restoring what was lost.  It takes faith to believe God's word that plainly declares God's love and work through the Church!  In a fallen world, faith also means repentance from our false views and our disillusionment with our church (and our marriage).  It takes faith to pray, "Lord help me to see Your hand at work through and in your Church."

It takes discipline to stay the course.  We have to learn how to marvel at the beauty and strength while looking past the imperfections.  Yes, we repent of those imperfections as we gather communally, but as an individual we must remind ourselves to look for the beauty.  Remember, Jesus is seeing the beauty and strength in the Church.  Let's discipline ourselves to come in faith so we can see it too!  Do not give up.  Work through your doubt and disillusionment by and with faith (This is also good advice for struggling marriages).

The Radiant Bride.  Lord, give us eyes to see our marriage and our church with eyes that look at and marvel at the beauty and strength you have placed before us.  Help change our hearts so we can love as You love.

Life justifies living?

"I tried your religion for awhile," he said, "and I found it's just a burden to carry.  You know what I've figured out?  Life justifies living.  Life is its own reward and explanation.  I don't need some pie-in-the-sky mirage to keep going.  This life has enough pleasure and mystery and adventure in it not to need anything else to account for it.  Life justifies living."

Mark Buchanan, Leadership, (Winter 2004), 38

I have heard this so many times.  I was first confronted with it as a philosophy student as an undergraduate.  The person talking was trying to convince me that my childhood belief system should be discarded.  Little did they know when they started the discussion that I had become a believer at 18 for fairly non-childish reasons.  It was a great discussion.

Why?

In many ways I agree with the above statement.  I so enjoy life.  I love friends and laughter.  My biggest disappointment in moving is being separated from my friends.  Good friends are so important for enjoying life!

In addition, I find such peace and beauty when I am out in nature.  In fact, I do everything I can to get out in nature all the time!  I think more than most, I truly enjoy life.  I love its pleasure, mystery, and adventure.  I do pray it will never end!

That being said, I know it will end.  As my body settles into middle age, I cannot enjoy the food I once enjoyed.  My intestinal pain and other physical symptoms make eating what was once pleasurable very unpleasurable.  Now I have to watch carefully what I eat.  It does take some of the pleasure and adventure out of my life while adding a non-enjoyable mystery as to why my body behaves as it does with gluten full food!

What about those who begin life with a series of poor choices- choices that haunt and misshape them for the rest of their life?  What about those who experience incredible abuse that warps their entire life experience?  What about those who witness and experience trauma that haunts their dreams and paralyzes their waking hours?

"Life is its own reward and explanation" is a selfish observation from one who is blessed with health, strength, good-fortune, and financial resources that allow them freedom to find pleasure.

When times are good, I agree with the above paragraph.  When times are bad, I think that the above paragraph leaves room for little else than suicide.  At the very least, all that is left is frustration and anger.

What if the above statement was given some better context?  What if this life is often extremely good, but even at its best it is a mere glimpse or shadow of a better world, a better life, that we were created to enjoy?

Such a perspective would explain why we find such pleasure, mystery, and adventure in many events and experiences in this life.  It would also give an explanation for those who are suffering.  

Friend, there is more to living than just this life!  We were created for eternity.  All that is lacking in this world helps us understand and clarify what the next world will be like.  Life with God, in relationship with God, gives us a taste of what life will be like when our mortal bodies depart and our sinful nature is gone.

The hope in Christ is not a crutch for the weak.  It is the truth that explains our experience.  The here and now is not all there is.  We were created to enjoy so much more.  That is why we have such longing; why we have such a desire for peace, security, love, and respect.  

Don't be satisfied for the pat answers of the healthy, wealthy, and young.  Find the true meaning of life in a faith relationship with Jesus Christ.

Love, Marriage, and Church

In order for a marriage to not only survive but also thrive, love has to grow.  I often share with couples coming for pre-marital counseling that the intensity of desire may wane, but if they do it right, their love will grow through the years.  How is this possible?

I have witnesses such growing love, and I have lived it.  My grandfather was married for 60 years to my grandmother.  The last ten years of her life were pain and agony as she struggled with cancer and ill health.  As the stomach cancer took root, my grandfather made taking care of her his full-time job.  He told me that as he spent so much time with her, he came to see how he had often taken her for granted.  You see, throughout their life they were basic sustenance farmers.  He worked hard outside and she worked hard inside.  They raised a family, raised their food, worked hard, and fell into a habit of life.  Their intense labors kept them from learning about each other.  In the midst of these labors, grandpa had lost his eye for looking at and marveling at the wonderful person to which he was married.

All of this changed when he left his outside pursuits to take care of my grandma.  As they talked, worshipped and prayed together, and re-built a life together he found his love growing.  He confessed his love for her and how often he had taken her for granted.  She confessed the same.  I watched as a mature, deep-seated love grew between this aging couple.  Honestly, I could not understand it as I witnessed it, and I struggle to find words to describe it.

Yet, I want this love in my life!  I have witnessed it so occasionally.  I know it is possible and it is beautiful beyond description.  I have a small taste of it after 20 years of marriage, and I want to nourish it so it grows.  I pray that I do not lose my eye for looking at and marveling at the wonderful person God has given me to be my bride.

Please understand that such an eye does not mean that I will not see and notice my wife's imperfections.  I know my wife's flaws much better than I did 20 years ago.  My grandpa took care of and grew in love while my grandma struggled with the intense "stink" of stomach cancer.  The imperfections become obvious.

Love does not mean blindness.  It recognizes imperfections while moving past them to marveling at the beauty, strength, and splendor of my bride.  Love takes time; and in our fallen world, it takes repentance and faith.  Repentance and confession when I fail to walk in love and faith to nourish relationship.

Where am I going with this?

Jesus says that the Church is His bride.  Yes, He loves you as an individual, but the vast majority of the time in the bible His love is affirmed for "you all" and not just individuals.  Jesus loves the Church!

So why if scripture declares the Church as the radiant bride of Christ do we often see her as an accessory to true faith?  I know there are many reasons, but I think we can easily name a few.

First, in this world the church is a mixed group.  By that I mean that many within the church are redeemed individuals still struggling with sin.  In addition, in a healthy church there will be those who are not yet redeemed struggling with sin.  So, if we look closely we can see hypocrisy, doubt, anger, and every other sin under the sun.  For many of us, this is a complete turn-off.  How could "holy" people do such things!?

Again, I challenge us with the image of marriage.  In our fallen world, sin and death leave their mark.  The church is no exception.  Our biggest problem with the church, like so many of us with marriage, is incorrect expectations.  We want the person and the church that is perfection.  We want our needs met.  We do not want to be hurt.  All these desires are completely natural and good!  The problem is we live in a fallen world.  Our desires reflect the way things were created to be and the way things will be when Jesus sets them aright.  Our experience is often marked by fallenness more than perfection.

So, many people give up on the Church, move from church to church looking for something that meets their desires, or resign themselves to complaining and a life marked by half-hearted engagement with the church.  Does this not match the experience many have with marriage?

Jesus loves the Church.  He gave Himself up for the Church.  If we wish to follow him, we should grow to love what He loves.

Honestly, this takes both faith and discipline.  It takes faith to believe we live in a fallen world where God is at work restoring what was lost.  It takes faith to believe God's word that plainly declares God's love and work through the Church!  In a fallen world, faith also means repentance from our false views and our disillusionment with our church (and our marriage).  It takes faith to pray, "Lord help me to see Your hand at work through and in your Church."

It takes discipline to stay the course.  We have to learn how to marvel at the beauty and strength while looking past the imperfections.  Yes, we repent of those imperfections as we gather communally, but as an individual we must remind ourselves to look for the beauty.  Remember, Jesus is seeing the beauty and strength in the Church.  Let's discipline ourselves to come in faith so we can see it too!  Do not give up.  Work through your doubt and disillusionment by and with faith (This is also good advice for struggling marriages).

The Radiant Bride.  Lord, give us eyes to see our marriage and our church with eyes that look at and marvel at the beauty and strength you have placed before us.  Help change our hearts so we can love as You love.

Revival and Developing a Christian Worldview

"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  

This is the first and greatest commandment.  

And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  

All the Law and the Prophets hand on these two commandments."  

Matt. 22:37-39

Earlier this week, we began a discussion on developing a Christian mind.  We discussed our contemporary understanding of religion as private and making little impact on how we live because of a worldly and false dichotomy borrowed from the Enlightenment.  

Instead, I proposed that authentic spirituality will always seek to grow in its understanding of God and the implications of belief on life.  I know that for many professing faith there is little evidence in this regard!  This means nothing except that we have many in our churches who need either regeneration or revival.

Today's passage is a direct quote from Jesus as the Pharisees tried to test and trick him.  Their question is an attempt to get Jesus to divide the Law into parts so they can accuse him of neglecting some element of the Law.  It is similar to today when people ask you if you are someone who engages in active evangelism or seeking justice and truth in the world.  The answer should be yes- I do both.  Jesus' answer to the trick question dove-tales perfectly with our discussion concerning developing authentic spirituality and the Christian mind.  

Jesus answers by cutting to the heart of the Pharisee's misunderstanding of scripture.  There should not be an active debate on the most important commandment in scripture.  The answer should be yes!  All of the Law is equally important.  You just need to understand the principles that in-power the Law.  

These principles include there is only one God who is to be worshipped by all creation with abandon, and humans are created in the image of God and as image bearers so they should be loved and respected.  Notice these are the principles that manifest in the idea that creation is good!  Jesus answers the trick question by saying that the essence of the Law breaks down into two principles: Love God and love neighbor.  This is the theme of the positive side of the Law.

Of course for the sensitive of heart, this positive declaration of the Law also should promote repentance and humility.  How can we keep these commands?  I fall so short of continual love of God and neighbor.  Even as I affirm the rightness of Jesus' command, I cannot keep it perfectly.  I need God's help.  I need a savior.  

The proper preaching and teaching of the Law should promote a humble reliance on the Holy Spirit leading to dependence upon Christ.

Unfortunately, many of us, like the Pharisees of old, hear this and do not understand our struggle to obey.  We do not depend upon the Holy Spirit.  We muster up our own will power and try our hardest.  Then we count this as good enough, and we judge those who do not do as good as we do!

Now we know where most of us live, most of the time.  We also know the cause.  If we do not develop a solid understanding of God, we will make Him in our image instead of allowing His image and glory to shape us.  If we do not develop a solid understanding of humanity, we will sit in judgment upon everyone who does not fit our "mold" as the ideal.  We will establish our culture, our habits, our thoughts, as the standard for all other cultures, habits and thoughts.  We might even use the Law to justify our opinions, but we will neglect other elements of the Law to do so.  Jesus tells us that we all this to our own peril!

Our biggest problem is that we can find a church somewhere that will affirm us in our opinions.  Thus the church becomes worldly, Christians become unsavory to those not "just like them," and the teaching of truth about God and humanity sounds foreign and strange to us.

How do we escape this trap?  We develop an informed and growing Christian mind.  We learn.  We repent of our false understandings and allow scripture to shape our mind.  This is the path not taken by many because it is hard!  Nevertheless, an informed Christian mind is the path to recovering our created good and overcoming our fallen tendency toward self.

May the Lord lead each of us to grow in our understanding of God and our neighbor!  May we develop a Christian mind that informs our understanding so we may Love God and others with authenticity and grace!