Every author writes in the crucible of the culture. We are never free from the influence of our culture- reacting as defenders of the old convictions and naysayers of current trends, or just the opposite. I am no different. I do not believe forgiveness involves forgetting the past and ignoring the damage of past or present harm. To do so, even if it were possible, would be tantamount to erasing one's personal history and the work of God in the midst of our journey. The only way for the "forgive-and-forget mentality" to be practiced is through radical denial, deception, or pretense.
Many raised on the familiar chant, "forgive and forget," may already question this book's viability. I can only hope the reader will read further before labeling the book as heretical. The "forgive and forget" approach has included some important truths about forgiveness that should not, like the clean baby, be thrown out with dirty bath water. From this approach, we must learn the importance of radically putting aside the right to use the past harm to justify present sin. But we must not pretend that past harm never happened. I believe the past can be remembered for the well-being of the abuser. Facing the damage of the past can bring good into the present day relationship with the one who perpetrated significant harm.
Dan Allender, Bold Love, 16.
Life has been a wild ride for the past month or so. After a nine month struggle with her health, my mother was finally diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. About 10 days ago, I was blessed to go visit her for a week. I was shocked to see how much weight she had lost. Yet, her positive attitude and "can-do" nature remains. Then, I returned home to Easter preparation.
All of this means, no time to write! My emotions have also been on edge, so I don't feel like I have had the emotional strength to do much writing.
I am so thankful that while I did not write much, I sure did read many pages. It is amazing how being away from the noise of my household allowed me the space (and quiet) to enjoy reading. I hope to share some of the pregnant passages I am still processing.
The first comes from an older book by Dan Allender called Bold Love. I absolutely loved this book! Why? Because I agreed with Allender on his definition of love and what it should look like in practice. I strongly recommend this book.
I wonder if Allender influenced my thinking directly over 20 years ago? I ran the sound for all the Christian speakers who came to Gordon-Conwell. Allender was one of those speakers. In fact, I remember that he treated me better than most of the "Christian stars" that I met. I remember enjoying his talks and talking with my wife about them.
I think in our world today we have such a misguided and shallow understanding of love. Allender agrees.
As I see it, love is active in that it seeks the best for the other. It actively seeks to bring the gospel to bear in the life of everyone involved in a situation.
I know all too often, I would prefer to call it love when I avoid difficult people or conversations. I would prefer to call it love when I vent my feelings. I don't really want to go the extra mile to apply the gospel of truth and grace to difficult people or situations.
I think the "forgive and forget" mentality goes right along with my natural tendencies to avoid healthy and needed conflict. Somehow I think it would be easier and better if I just moved on.
Yet, when real abuse occurs (not just minor irritation), forgive and forget is not love. It is avoidance. As such, it misses the mark of God's call, which means it is sin.
So what does Bold Love do?
I think first, one must be honest with God and talk with Him about what happened. So often dealing with abuse and hurt is not done from the perspective of a relationship with God. Only God can heal out hearts and only God can help us really forgive. We might need the help of other believers at this stage, but we should begin here.
Second, we prayerfully consider how to deal with the abuse and hurt. When, how, and where to confront/deal with the past abuse is tricky. It takes discernment and wisdom to know what to do. This is why I think the first step is so important!
Yet, one thing is true. Somehow we must not allow the abuser to continue in their sin.
Wow this is tough! Particularly if you are in a close relationship with the abusive/hurtful person. Yet, the reason why we cannot just forgive and forget is because doing so allows for continued abuse. Allowing someone to continue to harm others is actually encouraging their sin. This is the opposite of love.
Again, I think we will need godly and good advisors on how to do this. Do we confront? Do we remove ourselves from the abuse? Do we confront, remove ourselves, and then move on? So many options require wisdom.
Have I mentioned the importance of the first step of being in relationship with God? Honestly, without the wisdom of God, I don't know how anyone can really love.
Another post without any answers! At least I think it is a good question to ponder and process. What do you think?
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