Holy Discontent

Even though it has been almost 25 years, I can still remember the feelings of rootlessness and loss when I experienced my first major crisis of faith.  Somehow, I came to realize that my goals for life were woefully inadequate.  I remember my alarm when I discovered that which I believed and trusted to bring me happiness and joy did not and could not answer the real questions of life.  Looking back, I can see how God worked to bring about this crisis of faith.

So what happened?  As I ended my high school career, I found myself in an enviable position.  I had navigated the shoals of high school successfully: I had friends, respect, very good grades, and a bright future.  I had achieved the high goals I had set, and I was ready to move to a bigger pond to swim with the bigger fish!

Then I began to have a gnawing feeling of sorrow.  Why?  I had achieved my goals.  I knew I could set more and higher goals, work hard, and then I could continue to achieve.  But then what?  Fulfilling my goals and achieving "my dreams" really did not make me happy.  It made me proud, but not happy.

Furthermore, I also had some friends who were disappointed with their future prospects.  In their life, things were not working out.  They were looking for jobs, and they were not happy.  We would sit around and talk.  I found that the same fears, questions, and lack of happiness marked both those who were achievers and those who were struggling.  If that is the case, what's the point?

Here is where my crisis of faith occurred.  I had trusted in the Midwestern dream of hard work, achievement, and success.  I had won this race.  Yet, I was not happy or satisfied.  If I went to college and did the same, I seriously doubted that I would be happy and satisfied.  I would then move on to a career.  If I did the same, would I be fulfilled and satisfied?

What happened if I failed?  My friends were miserable, and I knew I would be miserable also with failure.  Is life meant to be tolerated instead of enjoyed?  There had to be more to life than this rat-race of attempted success.

At this point, I did something strange.  I picked up a bible and decided to see if it had some answers.  Why did I do this?  Looking back, I can see it was God's hand at work bringing me to faith.  He was calling me.  At first I could not understand the source of this call.  I also could not grasp its meaning.  Yet, as Augustine said, "My heart was restless until it found its rest in Thee."

I believe my experience is not singular.  I think it has occurred many times and in many places with many different people.  Until we find our rest in faith and trust in the Living God, we are restless.  I so appreciate Os Guinness's take on this phenomena.  As he states,

True seekers are looking for something.  They are people for whom life, or a part of life, has suddenly become a point of wonder, a question, a problem, or a crisis.  This happens so intensely that they are stirred to look for an answer beyond their present answers and to clarify their position in life.  However the need arises, and whatever it calls for, the sense of need consumes the searchers and launches them on their quest.

Notice that "a sense of need" does not justify people's believing.  People do not come to believe in the answers they seek because of need- that would be irrational and make the believer vulnerable to the accusation that faith is a crutch.  Rather, seekers disbelieve in what they believed in before because of new questions their previous beliefs could not answer.  The question of what and why they then come to believe is answered at a later stage.  As Malcolm Muggeridge's biographer wrote of the conversion of the great English journalist, "He knew what he disbelieved long before he knew what he believed."

Os Guinness, The Call, 11.

I think so much of life is similar to hearing the call of God to first faith.  When we feel an intense angst and growing discontent with our circumstances, with life, with everything, we should ask the question, "Lord what are You trying to tell me?"

This question is not only valid for pursuing first trust in the Lord.  Continuing to ask the Lord for clarification and guidance should be taught as a natural element of learning how to walk with God.  He uses our questions, discontent, illness, hardships, major positive steps in life like marriage or the birth of a child, job loss, job gain, and growing old as catalysts to propel us deeper into faith and trust.  

In what or whom do you trust?  Is it growing stale?  Does it no longer satisfy?  Please know that your feelings of discontent or wonder are natural.  They are actually brought about by our heart's need to find its rest in Christ alone.  Take some time to be still before the creator and lover of your soul so you can begin to hear with increasing clarity the call of God.