"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth." Ps 46:10
As I was leaving the hotel this past Saturday to return to preach at Grace, I assigned my wife this passage to contemplate. She was getting 24 hours without children, as I took them all back home. I am sure she wondered why I would ask her to meditate upon this passage. I know as I left and throughout the week, it has been echoing in my ears. "Be still and know I am God." I heard it as I meditated upon God's word. I heard it as I read my previous blog on religious self-effort. I heard it until I finally said, "Are you talking to me Lord?" Deep within my spirit, I heard a loud, "Yes, I am talking to you!"
This past week, my Lord and my God confirmed to me that I am not very good at being still. I am much better at doing than waiting. As I have grown as a pastor and a follower of Christ, I have grown in my ability to feel others hurts, insecurities, doubts, questions, anger, etc. When I am moving so fast that I do not find refreshment from the Lord, I become emotionally and spiritually fatigued. This is where I find myself on this vacation. I am in desperate need of the refreshing presence of the Lord. Yet, it is funny how my soul runs counter to this need. Truly my heart is marked by so much unbelief!
What does this unbelief look like? First, my mind runs non-stop. I think, often in disjointed terms, about all the issues going on. I think, I pray. As I grow in my weariness, I pray less and think more. Suddenly, I wake up one day realizing that my intimacy with the Living Lord is diminished. My heart is dry. Then, I begin to lose the capacity to love and to feel. Unbelief at work. Do I not believe that God can help others without me? Do I not know that without God's work, my work is worthless and not lasting? Of course I intellectually know this! The problem is that my actions and my heart illustrate I do not believe it.
The only cure is the gospel and the relentless love of the Father. He pursues me and calls me to repentance. Repent of what? All of my religious "good deeds." Now you can see why I was convicted by my own blog posting! I am an elder brother and a pharisee. Thankfully, as He leads me to repentance and faith, I find myself again as a recovering elder brother and pharisee!
As a person who makes my living talking, teaching, and writing, I must occasionally stop talking, teaching, and writing. Why? One of the desert Fathers wrote that silence and solitude are the only ways to tend the fire within. When the fire within my heart grows cold, it is always because I open my mouth too much and allow the fire and heat to escape. As I fail to "Cease striving and know I am God," I speak and serve until my fire is out. Only the Holy Spirit can relight the fire. He does so as I live the gospel by walking in repentance and faith.
Where are you today? Can you identify with my need this week? Do you need to come to the Lord in repentance and faith asking, "Lord have mercy on me a sinner." I am so thankful that I do not have to have it all together to find God's presence. As I come in confession, repentance, and faith, He puts it all together and His glory shines through this cracked earthen vessel! May He receive all the glory.
In keeping with this post, I will not be writing much more for awhile as I allow the Spirit to tend the fire within! May He relight, renew, and restore!
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