I have to admit that for years, I had no idea what grace was all about. My discovery of this idea has taken two distinct steps. For the first 18 years of my life, I did not understand the concept at all. I grew up in a household that emphasized, "God helps those who help themselves." I was pretty good at helping myself. I had good grades, musical talent, sport talent, and I was at least fairly popular. I asked that God would bless what I did. Yet, I had no real idea of how to relate with God! Then, the God of this universe began to draw me to Himself. I began to feel very dissatisfied with my life. I was successful, but I was not happy. I had friends who were not successful, and they were not happy. I realized that if I moved on to college, achieved all my goals and matched all ideas of success, I would still not be happy. What was the purpose of it all!? This is when I first learned about grace.
The summer after high school graduation, I began to read the bible. I wanted to discover what my church supposedly believed. My family attended a church that did not really teach the bible. At least, I did not have ears to hear if they did! That summer, I began reading about Jesus in the book of Matthew. I was shocked! His words and actions had such weight and power. Why had I not heard this before? He challenged me to "consider the cost," and to "hate my mother and father in comparison with my love for him." This was not what I expected nor had heard. Then one evening, I had gone out with some friends to go partying. I really did not enjoy it, but I went to hang out. I noticed most of the other folks were not enjoying themselves either. After several hours, I came home and went to bed. I remember waking to a horrible dream. In my dream, I was walking in the dark when I noticed a light behind me. As I slowly turned around, I was blinded by a bright, piercing light. I shielded my eyes, but sought to see the source. I saw through tears a man with light coming from his face. I was terrified! I woke up, went to the bathroom to get some light and get out of my room. I looked up in the mirror and saw through my own eyes, a look into my soul. What I saw scared me. I was guilty in God's eyes. His piercing eyes saw right through me. I was a sinner! I was partying and not living for God. I did not know what to do with this information, but I knew I was not right with God because of my actions.
In the weeks that followed, I began reading in the first few chapters of the book of Revelation about the risen Jesus. His holiness was so evident to John (the writer of Revelation) that he fell down as if dead. Had I seen this same risen Christ? I have to say that the dream scared me straight. I stopped partying, and I continued to read deeply of the New Testament. My saintly Grandpa came to visit, and he pointed me to some of his favorite scriptures. He talked to me about prayer- saying it was just talking with God. I started to try it. I learned that Jesus claimed to be the son of God (many references throughout the gospels), and he had the audacity to say that he was the only way to God (John 14:6). I witnessed through the pages a man different than anything I had ever seen or heard about.
Finally, just before I moved to college, I was listening to the Boston, Third Stage album in my car. There was a song that spoke of changes. One line sings, "Now I can see both sides." I realized that before I had no idea that God had a perspective on my life and all of life! There is right and wrong, and I was on the wrong side. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I pulled the car over. I remember clearly asking that Jesus would forgive me for my sins. I asked him to help me follow him. Along the side of the road in northern Michigan, I experienced grace. Grace is mercy and love given to one who does not deserve it. Jesus extended grace to me. He loved me, even when I did not deserve it, and he changed my heart. This was my first discovery of grace. I was changed in a moment, but I had just begun the process of learning how to live out this "God transformation" in my life.
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