Today's reflections about Grace will be hard to understand for some. Yesterday, I described my conversion. In the narrative I described grace as God's favor given to one who does not deserve it. This grace changed my heart and restored a relationship with the living God. It was a process where God's word, particularly the Law of God, illustrated my need for a savior. By faith alone, given by God's grace alone (I had no means of calling out for help without God's drawing me to Himself!), I was transformed by Christ alone into a child of God (Ephesians 2: 8-9). While before I knew that God existed, now I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God knew me and I knew God. At least I knew a little about God! I was in such need of growth.
As a new believer, I was blessed to have many people come alongside me to teach me, to love me, and to help me grow. This process is called discipleship. On the intellectual side, I was a very quick learner. I devoured the Word of God, and I deeply enjoyed growing in my knowledge of God. I would label these early years as a time of great growth in relationship. I read the Bible, believed what I read, tried to put it in practice, and I learned to enjoy having a relationship with God. I learned how to pray and have a devotional time. I learned how to witness about Jesus- sharing the same journey I had just experienced. I learned how to teach the bible and how to defend the faith. During these early years of a new relationship with God, I saw many people come to faith and I grew deeper in my relationship with God. God was transforming my life into the person He made me to be!
All of this is well and good. The problem for me, and for many others, is that much of what I learned went from life transforming to sort of dull and repetitive. I began to hang around more and more with Christians. I began to see that my old friends were "worldly" and "not good influences" on me. I now tried to witness, but my witnessing bore little fruit. I was told, and I believed it, that was because the "worldly" will not accept the truth. In other words, because I was right, they reject the message. I also learned how to fit in within my new community of faith. I gave up swearing, womanizing (or even trying to think of women, which was even harder), drinking, and acting like the "lost." Yet, somewhere in this good Christian character development, I lost my zeal and excitement for and about God. I also lost the touch of being about to tell people about Jesus and seeing them come to faith.
At that time, devotions were something I did, and I felt guilty if I did not do them. Church, ministry, and all the rest became my identity. I had Bible studies I led and attended, fellowship groups to be part of, and accountability partners to keep me (and them) on the straight and narrow. And somehow in the midst of all this activity, I stopped experiencing and knowing God's life-transforming power. I talked about it, prayed about it, sometimes wished for it, but I did not experience it. Honestly, I did not know many other Christians who were tapping into God either, so I took it as normal Christian growth. In fact, I had it explained that this is what typically happens. I should not worry about it, but remain faithful to God because His ways were better than mine. God blesses our faithfulness, so walk with Him in faith and keep being faithful. Throughout this time, I did confess my sinful struggles with lust, anger, and pride, but I did not ever change. I would vow to God to change, but I just could not carry it out. I also could not really admit to myself or to others my struggles because in was fairly obvious that within the Christian community weakness with sin was not really tolerated. I also could see that everyone else I knew struggled just like I did!
During this time, I worked in the Church, completed seminary, grew to be a fine Bible teacher, and started a family. The problem was that I believed in grace for salvation, but I really did not believe in applying grace to my life. Why? I really did not see I needed it. I might have momentary struggles with pride, lust, or anger, but I felt bad about it and resolved to sin no more. Wasn't that faithfulness? I thank God that He did not leave me in this situation. I also repent of the years that I walked in this trap!
Through the course of several different trials and difficulties, I was confronted with the absolute fact that I really needed grace. I discovered, much to my amazement, that I was much worse than I thought. I did not love people well- especially my wife and kids. I was full of self-conceit and pride. I was extremely judgmental of others. I was self-sufficient and lacking in faith. I was controlling. I could not believe it! How did I miss all this? In truth, it was there all the time, but I only confessed the surface sins instead of the deep heart sins that caused my momentary anger, lust, and pride. God, in His mercy, shined the spotlight of the Holy Spirit into my heart. What He revealed was almost more than I could bear. So, I cried out to God for mercy. I asked for grace. I sought Jesus for help. I confessed my heart sins, and I asked for the Holy Spirit to change me. Contrary to all the evidence I now saw coming from my heart, I held by faith unto Jesus as my only hope (Romans 7).
So, what happened? I experienced grace. God gave it to me. His love softened my hard heart. His love and presence changed me. The sins of anger, of not forgiving, of judging, and of lust began to drop away. They just were not attractive to me anymore. Living and drawing upon the grace of God were much better than those pet sins I had held unto for so long. I found myself humbled. I found myself doubting my own self-effort and self-sufficiency. I found myself depending upon Jesus for all of my life. I repented quicker. I believed more.
Real, authentic grace also goes somewhere. It is not just a private experience. It is the vanguard of the Spirit's work in building the Kingdom of God. For me, I found that I could love people. In fact, I could not wait to love people! I still struggled at times, but I found the avenue to God's grace- real repentance and desperate faith. Surprisingly, I also found that my witness about the living God came with power and not the same boring formulas. I stopped talking about what God did for me 20 years ago, and I started talking about God's grace now- what He did for me this week. Those who were yet to believe liked me, and I loved them. With this combo, people came to faith and many believers tired of the same routine I had lived for years, regained hope, love, and faith. Real, authentic grace always goes somewhere!
This blog is about exploring and applying this real authentic grace: for salvation and for all of life.
For those exploring Christ and his claims, I want you to know that true relationship with God is always found in repentance and faith. I know that we as Christians often do not live this out, but it is what we should believe and live! Forgive us as we struggle with the same issues that you have! Forgive us because God is willing to forgive you.
To those who believe in Jesus but struggle to grow, I urge you to join in the discussion and the application of the truth of the gospel. Hope again and find the mercy of God! Walk in repentance and faith. Cling desperately to Jesus and allow the Holy Spirit to blow afresh through your life!
To those who profess faith, but have no idea what I am talking about, I beg you to think about, pray about, and seek to apply what is discussed in this blog. The gospel and the Kingdom of God are bigger than you might know, but God wants you to know and experience it! True life is found in repentance and faith.
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