Piper on Emotional Blackmail in the Church

Not feeling loved and not being loved are not the same.  Jesus loved all people well.  And many did not like the way he loved them.  Was David's zeal for the Lord imbalanced because his wife Michal despised him for it?  Was Job's devotion to the Lord inordinate because his wife urged him to curse God and die?  Would Gomer be a reliable witness to Hosea's devotion? ...

I have seen so much emotional blackmail in my ministry I am jealous to raise a warning against it.  Emotional blackmail happens when a person equates his or her emotional pain with another person's failure to love.  They aren't the same.  A person may love well and the beloved still feel hurt, and use the hurt to blackmail the lover into admitting guilt he or she does not have.

Emotional blackmail says, "If I feel hurt by you, you are guilty."  There is no defense.  The hurt person has become God.  His emotion has become judge and jury.  Truth does not matter.  All that matters is the sovereign suffering of the aggrieved.  It is above question.  This emotional device is a great evil.  I have seen it often in my three decades of ministry and I am eager to defend people who are being wrongly indicted by it.

John Piper, Gospel Coalition- Piper on Emotional Blackmail in the Church, March 23, 2015.

Wow.  This post from John Piper found on the Gospel Coalition website is more than profound.  It is so true.

In relationships between husbands and wives.  In relationships within families.  In work relationships.  In churches and how they deal with each other.

Our age is marked by the right to claim victim status for anything we feel is against us.  We claim malice of others against us.  At the very least, we knowingly inform people they are ignorant of how offensive they are.

What if our relationships were about coming to an understanding 

instead of moving immediately to placing blame and assuming guilt of the other?  

What if we assumed that there would be disagreements in life 

but that we should not take these disagreements personally?

It was not long ago these two traits were the mark of emotionally healthy individuals.  What if they still are the mark of emotionally healthy individuals?