Growing in Emotional Intelligence

In my almost 18 years of being a parent, I have had the privilege and curse of witnessing my children have an emotional meltdowns.  Often what happens is that they experience an unexpected setback of some sort, and it throws them for a loop.  They want to cry, to hit something, and to yell in anger all at the same time.  I think most of us, if not all of us, have been there before.

For those of you with children, you know the emotions I felt as I was dealing with these meltdowns.  First, I let them vent.  Then, I tried to talk reason and hope to them.  Of course they often will have none of that!  Then I began to get frustrated and angry because they are not listening.  In all my years of parenting and dealing with people, getting frustrated and angry with the person having a temper tantrum never helps the situation.  Let me say again, it never helps the situation!

In the past two posts, I have written about five keys to effective ministry as defined by the Covenant Seminary Center of Ministry.  In these posts I promised I would return to explain one of these keys: Emotional and Cultural Intelligence.  Today I will deal with emotional intelligence.

What I often witness from my children is a profound lack of emotional intelligence.  My children do not know how to respond to their anger and frustration brought about by a situation beyond their control.  As the article defined it, "emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage our emotions proactively and to discern and respond appropriately to the emotions of others."

I promise you that I try to parent out emotional immaturity from my children.  I do so by talking and thinking through with them what happened and how to respond properly the next time after they calm down.   Growing up is very hard!

In fact, some of us never seem to gain proper emotional intelligence.  In ministry I often run into people who display an almost negative emotional intelligence.  These folks do not know how to manage their emotions, and they project the intensity of their emotional instability upon those in the Church, the Church staff, and ultimately God.  Most of the time, the cause of their emotional upheaval has nothing to do with the situation in which they find themselves so angry.  Yet, instead of dealing with their emotions concerning the real issue, they strike out at a "safe" target like those in the Church.

I wish these folks had parents who had tried to help them with their emotions!  Yet, I fear that because of the fall all of us live here at different times in our life.  I know when my dad died unexpectedly I found myself angry at even small inconveniences much of the time.  I could not understand it.  Ultimately I needed grace from others as the Lord dealt with my ailing and bruised heart!  I also needed better friends and mature believers who could help me deal with my emotions by helping me identify my hurt and reminding me of the Lord's love.  In my experience the Lord was much more faithful than my friends and fellow believers.

In ministry, we must learn how to manage our emotions.  All the rest of the of keys to successful ministry are aids to help us keep our emotions in check.  If our emotions flow from the heart, which I believe is most likely, then a heart transformed by God's grace and mercy will help keep the emotions in check.  The gospel will also allow us to ask folks for forgiveness when we respond inappropriately to the attacks and our own emotional meltdowns.  

Yet, I warn each of us, if you have too many emotional meltdowns as a ministry leader, you will quickly find yourself as a "former ministry leader!"  If you have constant meltdowns, people will avoid you out of fear because they will not know how you will respond to criticism, helpful advice, or their needs.  You cannot be effective in ministry if you are emotionally unstable.  As Mark Gerzon (author of Leading through Conflict) states in talking about this issue, 

Without (emotional intelligence), a person can have first-class training,
an incisive mind, and an endless supply of good ideas,
but he still won't be effective.

Quoted in Covenant (Spring-Summer 2012), 24.

Furthermore, if you do not know how to deal with the emotional upheaval and outbursts of others, you also will not last long in ministry.  One of the biggest surprises of my life was learning that much of the time people do not respond logically to a situation.  Instead, people respond emotionally.

Are you proposing changes to the worship service?  You can lay out all the reasons for making these changes.  Yet, some people will respond with anger and hurt.  The real key is to not be surprised!  Acknowledge that these emotions are real and help people to process their emotions.  As with my child yesterday, they might not be ready to do so.  That is OK, affirm you love them, pray for them, and look for chances to help them grow in their emotional intelligence.

Of utmost importance, be emotionally mature yourself!  You cannot change them, but you can deal with your own emotions.  Be above the fray with your emotions even as you are present dealing with the emotions of others.  Is this not what Jesus did time and time again?  Such maturity is also needed in His under-shepherds.

As a pastor known for helping turn churches around, here is where careful discernment is needed.  If the leadership team always reacts emotionally and lacks emotional intelligence, it will take a miracle of biblical proportions to change the church culture.  There will be no will to maturely deal with emotional outbursts and the "squeaking wheel will get all the grease."  Do the best you can to identify a high emotional intelligence level on your leadership team.  Most importantly, lead by being emotionally intelligent yourself!