Dealing with Abuse, Betrayal, and Sin in Ministry

I have another busy day that is already well underway.  I am thankful to get more sleep now than when my daughter was first born, but my schedule and brain is still a bit hazy!  Because of this, I am rewriting and reposting from a past post.  I hope to get to something new tomorrow.  Until then, I pray for the Lord's blessings on these thoughts.

The papers and news reports are full of stories of religious leaders, whether they be RC priests or pastors, who use their power and authority to abuse others.  I have personally known some of these folks.  They are wolves in sheep's clothing!  Such abuse should never happen, and it should be condemned.  It is a product of living in a fallen world, but this is not an excuse.  Such abuse does great harm not only to those abused, but also to the growth of the Kingdom of God.

Yet, something much more common, but not covered in the press, is the way that religious leaders are often abused in their work environment.  Because we live in a fallen world, bullies, abusers, and strangely passive-aggressive folks often flock to church.  Strangely enough, or not so strangely, they also come to position of leadership.  As time goes on, their anger, sense of entitlement, manipulation, and divisive spirit come to the forefront.

What is a religious leader to do when confronted with such sin?

First, we should realize that this behavior is nothing new!  Notice the following Psalms:

"Even my close friend, 

in whom I trusted, 

Who ate my bread, 

Has lifted up his heel against me." 

Ps. 41:9

"Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me;

all day long an attacker oppresses me;

my enemies trample on me all day long,

for many attack me proudly. 

When I am afraid,

I put my trust in you. ...

You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?"

Ps. 56: 1-3, 8

The Psalms are refreshing because they are honest.  In Psalm 41, David is writing about a betrayal from a friend.  It begins with a prayer of thanks to God that He has not forsaken him.  David clings to the promises of God and claims God as his deliverer, his protector, the one who blesses him, his sustainer, and the one who restores health.  Then David confesses the realities of his enemies.  They seek to harm David by speaking evil of him.  Even a close friend has betrayed him.

How could this happen?  Let me illustrate and explain.

Last spring, I was getting two new tires put on the van at Sams club.  A guy in his 20s pulled his car up to a bay, left it running, and went inside.  One the workers lamented, "What is wrong with people?"  He continued to mutter and complain.  I was standing there, and I told him it was simple.  All of us are incredibly selfish and self-centered.  I told him until our parents or life beats that out of us, we remain self-centered, and we even grow more self-centered.  I concluded with the comment, "If you understand this one truth, much of life and what people do make so much more sense."  He agreed and we continued to talk about its application.

As I continued to walk around Sams and on the way home, I thought of that discussion.  This Psalm came to mind.  In ministry, with people who should know better, I have been betrayed and harmed more by people's selfishness than anywhere else in the world.  I have seen it since I first became a Christian.  We see it in church splits, church conflicts, petty "turf wars" in ministries, and in our "friendships" that have gone astray.  Why do folks, particularly believers, act the way they do?  

Well, selfishness and self-centeredness never fully leaves us!  In a fallen world, it is the stain of the flesh that mars our soul.  We have to be constantly on our guard against it in ourselves, and we should never be surprised when we see it in others.  When it happens, we, like David, should repent and believe God's promises.

As we come into God's presence to get our meaning, significance, and love, we then should move to lovingly confront our abuser so as to call them to repentance.  Here is where life gets difficult!

Why?

Our first problem is that often those of us in religious leadership will do anything to be liked.  The thought of confrontation sounds like death!  Yet, in love we must confront.  Why?  An abusive, angry person harms themselves.  They are not right with the Lord or with others.  Furthermore, if they do it to you, they will most likely do it to others too!

I know of many churches, particularly smaller ones, who have let the bullies win too many times.  As a result, these churches become leader killers.  Their defining mark is not love, but back-biting.  As a result, their witness in the community is destroyed.  Pastoral and leadership turnover becomes exceptionally high.  Yet, they constantly hope that just the right leader will come along to help them grow.  When this leader arrives, it does not take long before the back-biting (Christian cannibalism) begins.

Yet, as a Christian, we hate to rock the boat.  Perhaps part of what they say is true?  Maybe I should just ignore it?  Believe me, I have I asked myself these questions thousands of times.  I have lived in paralysis often because of conflict.  I have beat myself up all to often.

Would it not have been better to just confront the person and get it all out in the open?  I need to come into the conversation humbly, but I need to have the conversation!

Now we get to a second problem.  When I confront, I cannot control how the abuser will react.  In fact, often a chronic abuser does not repent, and they do not understand nor care about the pain they have caused.

Why?

Because they are radically self-centered (just like us!).  Most of us demand grace for ourselves, but we figure everyone else "gets what they deserve." We are called to forgive them, but that does not necessarily mean that we trust them again.  Some people through betrayal illustrate their character's weaknesses, and we should not put ourselves, unless we are very careful and led by God, back in an abusive situation.  Still, we are called and commanded to forgive others as we have been forgiven.  

Does this mean, "Forgive and forget?"  In some situations, I think not.  First, it is impossible apart from God's grace.  We just cannot forget; and in many cases, such an inability to merely forget is a defense mechanism put in place by God to protect us from further harm.  Still, we can daily ask for grace to forgive.  We can declare our forgiveness.  We can ask God to be our deliverer, our protector, our sustainer, and our grace.  In other words, we believe the gospel and claim its promises.

What I have discovered is that forgiveness is a process.  It is like peeling an onion.  When confronted with our friend/enemy fresh pain arrives.  We must forgive and ask for grace to forgive.  Just when think we are getting better, then another layer of the onion comes off.  It could be anything that brings up the memory.  Fresh pain and tears.  We must forgive and ask for grace to forgive.  I know this sounds hard, but what is the other option?  Bitterness.  Anger.  Hardness of heart.  None of these sound good!

Sin, abuse, and betrayal will happen in life and in ministry.  Don't let yourself be taken out by it!  Acknowledge it, come to the gospel in repentance and faith, and then begin the process of moving through it in love.