Forgive and Forget?

Life is full of betrayal.  No matter who you are, you will be betrayed in some way by someone close to you.  Why?  Well, we live in a fallen world.  Self-interest always lurks close beneath the surface of each of us.  In addition, someone has to be close to us or it would not be betrayal.  It might be intentional harm, but it is not betrayal.

In ministry I have had several instances of radical and intense betrayal.  All of them have hurt like hell itself.  Friendships have been lost.  Respect is gone.  All that is left is pain and a hole where a relationship once stood.

Virtually everyone I know in ministry has experienced betrayal.  Why?  We lay our hearts our for people through our teaching and our life.  When someone turns against us, it almost always becomes personal.

This is nothing new!  Notice the following Psalms:

"Even my close friend, 

in whom I trusted, 

Who ate my bread, 

Has lifted up his heel against me." 

Ps. 41:9

"Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me;

all day long an attacker oppresses me;

my enemies trample on me all day long,

for many attack me proudly. 

When I am afraid,

I put my trust in you. ...

You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?"

Ps. 56: 1-3, 8

The Psalms are refreshing because they are honest.  In Psalm 41, David is writing about a betrayal from a friend.  It begins with a prayer of thanks to God that He has not forsaken him.  David clings to the promises of God and claims God as his deliverer, his protector, the one who blesses him, his sustainer, and the one who restores health.  Then David confesses the realities of his enemies.  They seek to harm David by speaking evil of him.  Even a close friend has betrayed him.

Yesterday I was getting two new tires put on the van at Sams club.  A guy in his 20s pulled his car up to a bay, left it running, and went inside.  One the workers lamented, "What is wrong with people?"  He continued to mutter and complain.  I was standing there, and I told him it was simple.  All of us are incredibly selfish and self-centered.  I told him until our parents or life beats that out of us, we remain self-centered, and we even grow more self-centered.  I concluded with the comment, "If you understand this one truth, much of life and what people do make so much more sense."  He agreed and we continued to talk about its application.

As I continued to walk around Sams and on the way home, I thought of that discussion.  This Psalm came to mind.  In ministry, with people who should know better, I have been betrayed and harmed more by people's selfishness than anywhere else in the world.  I have seen it since I first became a Christian.  We see it in church splits, church conflicts, petty "turf wars" in ministries, and in our "friendships" that have gone astray.  Why do folks, particularly believers, act the way they do?  

Well, selfishness and self-centeredness never fully leaves us!  In a fallen world, it is the stain of the flesh that mars our soul.  We have to be constantly on our guard against it in ourselves, and we should never be surprised when we see it in others.  When it happens, we, like David, should repent and believe God's promises.  Then we should push for others to repent.  

The problem is that often the betrayer does not repent, and they do not understand nor care about the pain they have caused.  Why?  Because they are radically self-centered (just like us!).  Most of us demand grace for ourselves, but we figure everyone else "gets what they deserve." We are called to forgive them, but that does not necessarily mean that we trust them again.  Some people through betrayal illustrate their character's weaknesses, and we should not put ourselves, unless we are very careful and led by God, back in an abusive situation.  Still, we are called and commanded to forgive others as we have been forgiven.  

Does this mean, "Forgive and forget?"  In some situations, I think not.  First, it is impossible apart from God's grace.  We just cannot forget; and in many cases, it is a defense mechanism put in place by God to protect us from further harm.  Still, we can daily ask for grace to forgive.  We can declare our forgiveness.  We can ask God to be our deliverer, our protector, our sustainer, and our grace.  In other words, we believe the gospel and claim its promises.

What I have discovered is that forgiveness is a process.  It is like peeling an onion.  When confronted with our friend/enemy fresh pain arrives.  We must forgive and ask for grace to forgive.  Just when think we are getting better, then another layer of the onion comes off.  It could be anything that brings up the memory.  Fresh pain and tears.  We must forgive and ask for grace to forgive.  I know this sounds hard, but what is the other option?  Bitterness.  Anger.  Hardness of heart.  None of these sound good!

Who do you need to forgive today?  What pain has someone caused you?  Turn to Psalm 41 and take an honest look at your pain and God's faithfulness.  Begin the process of being restored.  Repent, believe, and walk in grace.